Pissed at Life (my rant)

I have not updated this in a long while, because I have been too pissed at life to even know what to say on here. Currently the doctors have been telling me that I am in the early stages of lupus, and I have some form of headache called "hemicrania continua" and today thanks to the medicines they give I almost STROKED out. My heart rate jumped to about 160 - resting.... SICK.... and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I puked about 3 times... and still all with the lightning like pain striking my face and side of my head for 4 hrs straight. I really am trying to be patient with these doctors but when I call the office they put me on hold. Mayo clinic won't take my insurance.... yet my neurologist wants me to see a doc there. They want me to pay thousands of dollars to see this doctor out my unemployed pocket! they say you should try to get a job- WHERE THE FUDGE KNUCKLES AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WHEN I CAN'T COMMIT TO WAKING UP EVERYDAY AT A CERTAIN TIME< AND NOT PUKING FROM THE PAIN I HAVE BEEN IN ALL NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am tired of people telling me they understand because they don't... not many people understand 10 years of searching for an answer. Being wait listed for 3-6 months to see the doctor that "might" be able to help. I really wish someone would do something with this healthcare system- it is completely messed up! .. STILL ON HOLD BY THE WAY- OVER MY MIN. WITH VERIZON THANKS TO THE DOCS KEEPING ME ON HOLD ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! SO now I sit on here writing- praying that the pain now only dulled by the meds doesn't come back today. I am missing my own b-day party tonight.

PLeAse if anyone can figure out whats going on with me please please please let me know- I can't afford to see the doctors I need to at mayo ... and F*CK MY LIFE the pain is coming back so I might as well lay down again. I was excited to go to wal-mart- MY BIG OUTING for the week WAL_MART... SO please if you have any ideas for me, or have heard of anything like this before. WITH MISERABLE FACE PAIN, ACHES THROUGH MY BODY,HAIR LOSS, HOT FLASHES, and a HEART RATE LIKE A MINI-STROKE please let me know cause if I go to the ER THEY WILL shoot me up with steroids and pain meds that help less than 24 hrs, and then I am just back to the same old shit. PS PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE I HAVE ONE GOOD DAY IT DOES NOT MAKE UP FOR THE 50 BAD ONES!

PS- JUST BECAUSE I LOOK NORMAL DOES MEAN THAT I AM. IF HOW I FELT INSIDE COULD MATCH ON THE OUTSIDE PEOPLE WOULD BE FRIGHTENED... BUT I LOOK LIKE  NORMAL 23 year old... I AM NOR NORMAL- not sure I will ever be normal again... but if I could just be half-way there... I would feel like I won the lottery!BLEH THIS IS THE END OF MY RANT FOR NOW....